The Tattered Page

Well, here we are. It’s officially holiday season and the time-honored tradition of 24/7 Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel (and Lifetime, too) have returned. Actually, they’ve been back since before Halloween. And also had a monthlong run in July, because I guess you have to.

When it comes to the viewership of these holiday time capsules, there are generally two types of audiences.

First, you have the loyalists. These are the adorable people who love each and every Hallmark film, new or old. They spend nights and weekends throughout November and December on the couch, wrapped up in their favorite blanket, often accompanied by a box of tissues and alternating goblets of wine and hot chocolate. Nobody is allowed to bother these folks at this time.

Then there are the detractors. At best, these people just don’t give a shit. At worst, they will roll their eyes and launch into an oft-correct tirade besmirching the films’ relevance, necessity, realism, and value.

But there is another sliver of an audience segment out there, one in which I, admittedly, fall.

The neutralists.

These are the fence sitters, people who neither enjoy nor despise the cheese and sap that virtually every Hallmark movie unabashedly spews. But it is this very neutrality that affords this group a viewpoint that helps support the longest-running theory behind every Hallmark Christmas movie: they’re all the same.

Sure, the characters are different…sort of. The stories vary…somewhat. But if you’ve seen snippets of even a handful of these factory productions, (yes, I admit, I’ve been roped in more than once), you’ve probably noticed that nobody, and I mean nobody recycles the same tropes and cliches that Hallmark producers do. It’s like they’re in on their own joke at this point. And you know what? It works for them.

Whether it’s good or bad is purely subjective, but with plenty of connective tissue. To check that, I’ve whipped up a list off the top of my head that gives you the building blocks of characters, settings, and plots that make up 99.9% of Hallmark (and Lifetime, can’t forget them) Christmas movies. If you recognize any of these, you’ve already seen virtually every movie ever aired on such channels. Ready? (In no particular order.)

1. The single parent
2. The stressed, busy professional who is often a single parent
3. The musician
4. The writer
5. The ad exec
6. The coffee shop/bakery owner
7. The Christmas party/big event organizer
8. The small town where everything is unbelievably Christmas-perfect
9. The serendipitous romance (because, always)
10. The misunderstood phone call
11. The misunderstood meeting
12. The misunderstood motive
13. The misunderstood overhearing of a phone call about a meeting betraying a motive
14. The precocious child
15. The precocious child that helps win over the love interest
16. The precocious child as the plot device for the serendipitous romance
17. The school holiday play
18. The tree lighting
19. The tree lighting as the plot device for the whole town to gather
20. The hot chocolate bar
21. The failing town that must be saved by the tree lighting and hot chocolate bar
22. The main character who has a hidden talent he/she doesn’t want to use
23. The out of town dream job offer
24. The out of town dream job offer that stands in the way of serendipitous romance and is in no way influenced by the precocious child
25. Nonstop snow
26. The perfect snowfall on Christmas night that begins only after a kiss
27. Everyone dressed to the nines from the moment they wake up. And cardigans
28. Perfect hair. On everyone. Even bald people
29. The broken down car
30. The cancelled flight
31. The rushed travel arrangements
32. The forced travel partners leading to the serendipitous romance (nobody saw that one coming!)
33. Discovering the serendipitous romance four seconds into the film
34. The ex who one character believes the other is going back to
35. The marriage that one character believes the other is about to have
36. The chance motel
37. The chance motel that happens to be a romantic, Victorian B&B
38. Every house with $718,000 decorating budgets
39. The too-young-to-be-retired parents who give perfect advice
40. The threatening mogul eventually swayed by small town charm
41. The small town that seems to be literally magical
42. Awful music that people seem to enjoy way too much
43. Smiles. Always. Too. Many. Forced. Smiles
44. Scarves. Always. Lots. Of. Scarves
45. Baked goods with perfect presentation
46. The friend who gives the nudge, you know, that nudge
47. The super stressful article with the tight deadline
48. Cardigans
49. Frenemies
50. Enemies-to-lovers
51. The secret recipe that saves the bakery/brewery/restaurant
52. The character who couldn’t wait to escape the small town
53. The big city dweller who just can’t leave the small town they return to
54. Randomly inheriting reindeer. Because that happens
55. Not one single hint of a swear word. (Might have been a “dang,” once.)
56. The wise, mysterious stranger that might not be human
57. Meeting a childhood friend during a book tour
58. The accident while hanging decorations
59. The paperwork mistake that threatens the business/town
60. The same actors

I could go on, but you get the idea. Watch a mere five minutes of any Hallmark Christmas movie and you’re bound to see at least 29 of these cliches in action. But that doesn’t make it a bad thing…it just makes it reliable. For many, the holiday season and it’s tropey movies are like a comfortable pair of socks. For others, it’s like jumping onto a bicycle with no seat.

But when all is said and done, few certainties in life remain: death, taxes, and Hallmark Christmas movies.

Happy Holidays!